Light

I’ve thought about reviving this blog about a thousand times these past few years,(what could be more foreign than the landscape I now find myself in?!), but there is SO MUCH to say that I’ve never known how to begin or where to start. It finally occurred to me today that the best place to start in situations like this, is at the end.

 

We scattered my husband’s ashes today.

 

It’s Father’s Day in the U.S. you see, and his wishes where to be cremated and scattered somewhere in the mountains of Colorado. It took awhile for those mountains to melt out this year, and with Father’s Day landing on June 21… it seemed the right time.

The right place was, no surprise, Crested Butte, CO. The boys and I drove in today around lunch, had a picnic at their favorite park and then hiked up a trail that I’ve always found total privacy on, gives beautiful views of the town, the valley, the mountains, and where I knew that the lupine flowers would be at full splendor.  We weren’t disappointed, it was the right place indeed.

Bo died by suicide last October, and the labyrinth our lives became entangled in both before and after that event has been a dimly lit navigational nightmare. I get lost in it sometimes. Retracing each word to its original thought and corresponding action; looking in vain for the crossroads I didn’t realize we’d forked at that led me to be a blindsided stranger in my own life.

It is not to be found. After 2 years of searching, I feel I can say that with some certainty. It can’t be found because it isn’t singular. There wasn’t one fork in the road- there were hundreds of them. Thousands. Same number each of you reading this has by the way. All the micro-moments we walk through every day choosing light over dark –or visa versa. They culminate. We become what we practice, we become what we choose. Everyday. Every time. We become more of one or the other. Some days, more of both.

And in this season of my life, it is days like today, holidays – Father’s Day, when the labyrinthine overlap of “good” and “bad” and Life can be the most disorienting for me.  Suddenly my own micro-choice is present and, for today, I choose to honor the light in my life. Easier to do when this is the picture that greeted me first thing this morning on my timehop app:

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This is definitely a day in the light. I love his smile, how he’s holding both boys up, all three basking in the sun, in costume of course. 🙂  He seems strong. He seems healthy.  He seems delighted with this moment in time.

Today, those boys took their dad in their arms and held him up to the sun instead. And while that sounds morose and depressing, it was actually wonderful. There were smiles and shouts of love and goodbye into the sky above us. There was a contentment and even joy with acknowledging that his body at least would be part of this staggering landscape from now on.

The trauma and horror in the labyrinth may or may not come out in future posts. Sometimes I think it would be helpful to myself and others in similar positions, sometimes not.

But today my sons scattered their dad’s ashes. For Father’s Day. And amazingly this too was a day completely in the light. And here we are at an ending to one section of our lives that is full of more grace and beauty than the circumstances themselves could ever have predicted. Such surprising goodness is always worth writing about…

Love, Jamie

(Following are images from our afternoon scattering Bo’s ashes. It was a beautiful experience for us, but I understand such pictures may be upsetting to others. Viewer discretion advised.)

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Categories: From Jamie | 18 Comments

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18 thoughts on “Light

  1. Sulema

    You chose the perfect time in the perfect place. Your making choices everyday and I’m so glad that your you. 😀❤️

  2. Sherry

    That was really beautiful Jamie. Your boys are lucky to have you and to have had Bo in their lives. He’s still with you guys, just in another form I think.

  3. Dear Jamie, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of your family since your time in Cotachaci — we were the ones who followed in your footsteps and arrived a bit later … and sometimes got mistaken for you! I am so, so sorry to hear about Bo. And I’m once again amazed and inspired by your grace and brilliance and strength. The photos and the feelings they convey are just beautiful, and your boys are so lucky to have you to by their side through this and everything else. un abrazo, Betsy

    ________________________________

  4. Andi

    Sending you love and light. ❤️

  5. Karen (Sizemore) Lewter

    I am truly inspired by you and your boys strenghth.

  6. I’m glad to see you blogging again Jamie. And thank you for sharing this moment with us. ❤

  7. Elizabeth

    God blesses you and your boys as you seek and find with love the good in life. Thank you.

  8. Jackie Schneider

    Your inner beauty always shines for others to see. I have watched you navigate a horrendous situation with so much love and care. God shines through you like a powerful beacon. Thank you for sharing such a special moment with us.

  9. Kelly Berg

    Jamie~you touch my heart…what beauty and eloquence you write with! I’m so proud of you~you’ve handled this tragedy (and all the chaos of events before it) with grace and dignity! You are an amazing woman and mother and writer….

    Love you, Kelly

  10. Jamie
    I find your courage and strength quite inspiring. While you and your family has faced very trying times in your life, your ability to express the emotions have me thinking of you and wondering how you are often. The photos to me were breathtaking and I think it’s great that you were able share. Even through school your strength amazed me. Your doing a great job and thank you for sharing.
    Chelsa

  11. Laurel Horne

    I’m glad that it was a day of light and beauty for you and the boys. Hopefully days like that will outweigh those in the other direction for you. It is hard to fathom what you have been and will be going through; thank you for sharing a bit of your continuing journey and growing wisdom with us.

  12. Christine Reed

    So beautiful. Thank you for sharing Jaime.

  13. Mary (Grammy) Swetkoff

    Once again, a remarkable post from a remarkable lady! Prayers for you & the boys always…thanks for sharing, Jamie!

  14. Carlos Gonzalez-Brito

    Jamie, your writing is beautiful and eloquent. It’s never easy to say goodbye to someone, particularly someone like Bo. Your boys are so mature they way they seem to handle their loss, I’m sure they each handle it and will handle it in their own way as they get older.

    It was a beautiful moment indeed to see them holding hands on that trail and spreading his ashes, again in their own personal style. And you……..such courage.

    I am glad that he’s finally resting in his favorite place.

    God Bless you Jamie and your boys.
    Carlos

  15. Frank

    TY … Keep ’em coming. Your willingness to be patient and listen to God is incredible.

  16. Reblogged this on findingnowblog and commented:

    Connecting the old with the new. I wrote this for our travel blog, FindingForeign. It’s time to move it over to my new personal blog, FindingNow…

  17. Claire Moxcey (Domann)

    Absolutely beautiful. I am speechless. Typing with tears streaming down my face. You are brave. And wonderful. And a fantastic mother. Life has so much beauty left for you – I’m sure of it. Claire

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